You see, there is a school of thought that preachers aren't supposed to reveal such things. Ministers should seem victorious and full of faith and on point every second of every day or it might discourage others or cause them to doubt. Or maybe it's just a fear thing. If I admit I'm still human and have struggles and fears and even, gasp, questions, what if people stop listening and stop trusting? Whatever. Crap like that is a lie from the devil and a reason why too many seemingly good ministers look great until they fall to the ground from 10, 000 feet without a parachute into shame and disgrace, and believe me, that does a lot more harm than admitting that putting Rev in front of your name doesn't make you any more like God than the next person.
The way I figure it, if David could cry out where are you God and how long are you going to let me deal with this? I can ask the same thing if I need to. If Elijah can admit he just wants to hide and die, so can I. Wow, drama much? It's not that bad. I just went there because this idea that ministers have to be less weak, less human somehow is deadly to the minister, the minister's family and the body of believers as a whole, not to mention the world. How many people see preachers as good to the point where they say, "I could never be that good"? Well here's the point, neither can I. OK?
No seriously, don't let the Rev. fool you. I'm not capable of being very good for very long. I used to could fake it for a while, but that's about it. I am a drunk and a dope fiend and a felon. I was the prodigal who didn't stick his face in the pig trough but dove right in and acted like it was a Jacuzzi. I couldn't, and still can't, make myself good any more than any of you can, and less than some.
Yesterday a woman I respect told a man who is seeking solution to a hopeless state of mind and body that I might could help and that I am a "good guy." It hit me like a wave. No, not pride, gratitude. This woman knows me. She knows me. The ugly me. I turned to the man and said, "and that is just one of the miracles of [the program of recovery and connection with God], that anyone who really knows me would ever be able to call me a good guy."
I'm not the man I used to be, but it's not by my might or power or figuring out how to finally be good, but by the Spirit of the living God. The same Daddy who has freed me from the obsession to drink and drug and made me a husband in more than name has also changed me, made me a better man and given me victory in so many more areas. But I am not special or terminally unique. Daddy loves you too and can do the same for you. And the flip side of not being special is that I still have struggles and difficulties.
For a while now the bondage I have been walking away from has been returning. Not the chemical issues. All is good on that front, but we don't fight a single, or even double, front war in life. No, the battle against fear and anger. Really, it's just fear. When I get scared, I get mad. My PTSD has gotten out of hand, and it is as much beyond my ability to control as any chemical addiction ever was, maybe more so. What's funny is that even with self examination, it's hard for me to see the slide until I'm drowning.
A few months ago, my pastor told me he'd noticed certain areas where I had stalled ministering. I had good excuses. Time. Need. Concentrating on other areas of ministry. All true. Just not the whole truth. For about a month I have been moving back into those areas, but things have continued to worsen. Yesterday, a little static shock had me ready to punch something, and after that fighting not to cry. It's stupid that I feel I should be able to control it and turn that off. I need to let God have the fear as much as He has the other issues. I also need to do the things the lead to freedom, which I haven't done, although I have begun.
I got, and am grateful for, a new mentor, since I have gone without for far too long. He asked me when I last journaled, a while. I told him I would start back. Last night I told my wife. She reminded me that while I always considered these Moments ministry, they were also therapeutic. I work things out through the writing, which I haven't done in over six months. I wonder if David did that too and that's why the Psalms are so good and start from despair and end at hope in God? Anyway, I humbly accept the wisdom and guidance of my new mentor and my wife and sat down to write this morning. The Moments probably won't be daily, and there will still be Echoes, but there will likely be some writing periodically. I do struggle. Writing about it helps me get to the place where I let go and let God, and I pray that it may help you as well, Dear Reader, as I admit and reveal the progresses and regresses of my journey and Daddy's love and faithfulness that you will see that there is hope for me, hope for you, hope for all of us in Him.
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