And the interesting thing, to me at least, is that self examination, self review, is a part of spiritual growth. It's important. We review our day, our motives, our walk and relationship with God and others. We see where we were right and succeeded and thank God for the power to have done that, and we see where we have fallen short of perfection, or even progress, and slipped into selfishness and ask God for forgiveness and help to overcome those things and those areas. We see where things have gone wrong and we have been hurt or hurt others and pray for healing and help to forgive and be forgiven. In other words, to examine our progress and path and our growth in relationship we must look at ourselves, our motives, our actions, our reactions and our progress of change from who we were to who we are becoming (a reflection of God's love and light, the image of Christ). But when you add to that the root of our bondage, our addictions and our sin, being selfishness and self centeredness then it becomes a balancing act.
It really is quite a trick to be able to look at and examine self without slipping into self centeredness. Actually, it isn't a trick. It's a miracle of epic proportions. We were far more addicted to living for self than we ever were to any other thing. That addiction is the root of our other addictions. So it should come as no surprise to us when, upon reflection (here we go again) we realize we've relapsed more often in the area of bondage to self than we can count. I've gone over seven years without a relapse in the areas of drugs and drink, and yet in all that time, I don't think I've gone seven days without being ruled by self, without slipping into selfishness and self centeredness.
If this is true of you as well, Dear Reader, and if you are anything like me, when this revelation is the most clear, the Eeyore may come out. Why bother? Why do I keep trying? Why am I continuing to strive for perfection when I can't do it for even one day? John Piper has said that one of the greatest hope-killers is that you have tried for so long to change and have not succeeded. I think he is quite right. But perspective is important with that idea.
Christopher Robin tells Eeyore good morning. Eeyore's response is if it is a good morning, which I doubt. Eeyore receives a compliment on his tail or gets help finding and reattaching it after it falls off yet again, and his answer is always something self depreciating and hopeless. Tigger, on the other hand sees the storm brewing and thinks what fun it will be to play in the rain. When Tigger is being rude and selfish and is asked where his manners are, his response is I don't know,, but I bet they're having more fun than I am. Tigger's motto is if it feels good do it, because if it makes you happy it can't be bad. And the point is that when our focus is on us, our perspective is skewed regardless of whether we are leaning toward the hedonistic denial of reality of Tigger or the hopeless gloom of Eeyore.
We can look back and see a wasted life, blown potential and failure after failure, the scars of horrendous pain gray from the ashes of dead dreams and burnt bridges. What's the point? Why bother? I keep trying and failing and I'm not making progress and I'll never be what I should be or even what I could've been. But the ironic thing is that if you really have been letting the Spirit have control of your life and will, even if not all the time, that idea of having failed to change (or be changed) is bogus. And I bet those who know you and care for you would be the first to point out that you have changed and you are not who you used to be.
Once we lived totally and completely for self. Maybe as we began our journey into relationship with God we surrendered to God and then took our will and life back 100 times a day, never giving God complete control for more than an hour. We might look at that and see failure. But it's 100 times better than never giving control at all, and for that one hour we were not selfish and self centered, but walking in love toward God and others. And that is change, that is being like Jesus, that is success. As we walk with God and grow spiritually, we do make progress. The number of times and the length of those times that we slip into self and rebel against the reign of God in our lives become less and less frequent. But living selfishly for one hour today may bother me more today than it used to. The closer I get to God the more I see I'm a stranger to His holiness. My sin today bothers me a lot more than it did seven years ago. Most people would say that there is a lot less of it, and that what is there is not nearly as destructive or huge as it once was. But to me it seems worse.
We need to examine self, but we don't need to do it alone. As a matter of fact, I would say that we should never do it alone. Like the Psalmist prayed, we should ask the Spirit to search our hearts and see if there is any wickedness in us, and then to lead us to the rock that is higher than us. The best and safest way to practice self examination, is to ask the Spirit to do the examining, then ask Him to show us what we need to do to go deeper into relationship with God and further into the refuge against the sin and selfishness we walk in when we live on our strength, in our own will.
When feeling defeated and hopeless in the face of progress and sin, we should be quick to check our perspective and make sure that we are truly examining our hearts and lives through the Spirit and not simply swimming in self and self pity. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep giving God control,as often as we take it back.
Today I can be grateful that the sins and shortcomings that once didn't even register on the radar of my awareness bother me. That isn't failure. That's great progress. If you walk in love for even one hour today, you have done something that you could not have done on your own, which means you have surrendered to the Spirit and lived by the grace of God. That, my friend is a spiritual victory. And when hopelessness overwhelms and says you'll never get it right, just remember that He who began a good work in you is faithful and able to complete it. One day, if you belong to God, you will indeed be a perfect and unique reflection of His beauty and holiness. You are not yet what you will be, but be of good cheer, you are not what you were without Jesus either.
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