Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.
- Paradise Lost by John Milton
If you are anything like me, Dear Reader, you can identify with the above words Milton wrote. In fact, I think this is most likely the best known quote from Paradise Lost. There is a certain feeling among some who feel affinity for this line that romanticizes rebellion and aches for anarchy, at least for personal anarchy. It's almost the national motto, because it goes right along with the idea of Don't tread on me and how we like to live under the illusion that we the people are the rulers and therefore aren't also the ruled. It just seems to make perfect sense that it would be better to rule in a bad place or situation than to be ruled in paradise.
I would say that Milton was wrong, except for the fact that he nailed it. No, he didn't nail truth. He nailed the character who spoke those words in the ten book epic poem. Yes, Paradise Lost is a poem, not a novel, and those famous words flowed from the fictional lips of Lucifer. Milton managed to boil down what mankind and Satan have in common, the desire to rule self, the desire to be our own god rather than bend the knee to God, I run my life. I do what I want. And if it's not as easy or perfect as it would be if I surrendered, then at least I'm free.
But that's just it. It's not freedom. It's an illusion and a lie. And it has been my experience that to live like this is indeed a taste of hell. I did it. I looked up at the stars and the beauty of the night sky and the wonder of God's creation through my early teen tears and said if it's going to hurt like this to be a Christian then [expletive] You, I'll do this myself. I walked away from following Jesus to live for myself, to do things that I wanted to do, the way that I wanted to do them, in an attempt to meet my needs myself. What I found was not freedom. I found misery and bondage and a desire for death, anything just to stop the meaningless pain and sorrow of my existence.
This wasn't a result of God sending plagues or anything like that. It was simply a result of the law of cause and effect. God wasn't some big bully or tyrant trying to bash me back to my knees, He was and is the Loving Daddy standing on the porch longing to see me turn to Him so that He can run to me, welcome me home, celebrate that I lived rather than died, clean me up, clothe me and feed me. That's who He is to you too, even if you don't realize that. He doesn't want to subjugate you. He wants to adopt you, wrap His arms around you in love and meet all those needs that drove you into hell trying to meet yourself. That emptiness, longing, loneliness in the middle of every crowd, that overwhelming understanding that there's got to be more to life than this, that constant nagging feeling that something vital is missing and there's an need that must be met else we die, and all the miserable by-products of human existence apart from God can not be met by doing or getting whatever we want, they can not be satisfied by ruling our own life or anything else.
As ironic and counter intuitive as it may seem, the truth is that freedom is found in bending the knee rather than in refusing to bow. Life is found in death to self. Receiving what most satisfies and a life that is marked by contentment is found in service to others not in satisfying our own selfishness. It doesn't make sense, but it's true. It isn't actually better to reign in hell. It actually sucks. I tried to reign in my own life, found myself in hell on earth, and all I wanted, everything I dreamed of and did was motivated by a drive to escape that hell, even if it meant my death. Today, I have a life worth living, free from the bondage and addictions that ruled me when I tried to rule. There is joy, peace and, most of all, love instead of anger, fear and discontent. What I have found, you can have too. It's found in turning our lives and our will over to the care of the Daddy who loves us and longs to set us free.
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