Do you, like me, also hate those times when some pet peeve or irritant is proven not to be an outside annoyance, but rather something that you dislike about yourself? There are so many trite sayings about this phenomena that are easy to play lip service to, such as "You dislike in others what you dislike about yourself," or as Osho put it, "If you are afraid of yourself, only then are you afraid of other people. If you love yourself, you love others. If you hate yourself, you hate others. In relationship with others, it is only you -- mirrored." There are many more, such as the one I hear the most, "When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment." There is a kernel of truth in these generalities, and when they are right, they sound so very right and so very deep. But they are not always true, and at times can get you seriously hurt if applied incorrectly and at the wrong time.
Seriously, I don't have to be afraid of myself to be afraid of that man with the gun trying to rob me. No, that's not really what the quote is addressing, I know that, but being afraid of someone trying to hurt you is an aspect of fearing others, and at that time, when someone is trying to hurt you, it's time for fight or flight, not self-introspection about what you might fear about yourself. And if your house is on fire, the answer is not to achieve some weird sense of serenity as it burns down around you by accepting that the situation exactly as it should be at that moment and releasing that horrible unacceptance. After all, acceptance is the key to all our problems. Yeah, accepting God is the key to everything problems and otherwise. But sometimes what we need to accept is that something is exactly as it's not supposed to be and we're supposed to do something about it, such as get off the couch and out of the house before we burn to death, and oh yeah, call the fire department.
So there we have a couple of examples of sweeping generalities often spoken and applied as though they were universal truths that can be applied unilaterally, and I think I am being clear hear that it bugs me when they are used as such. The reason that I bring it up in the first place, is because it bugs me no end sometimes when I realize that I have stumbled into one of those times and places where they are indeed accurate and to be heeded. This happened to me recently. I got frustrated and a little hurt when someone did to me something I have done to others, to them in matter of fact. I thought things were better, that restoration occurred in the relationship, but now it feels like the same old same old blah, blah, blah, whine, whine whine. Then a thought broke through the self-pity and whining, interrupting my self-righteous, self-indulgent misery I was enjoying. Isn't that exactly what you did five years ago, only what you did was a step further, just one notch worse?
Crap. Now how am I supposed to glory in feeling put out? How can I like my wounds instead of treating them and letting them heal now? I didn't mean to hurt anyone five years ago. In truth they weren't even a factor in the equation. They weren't on my radar when I moved that piece on the chessboard of my life, and maybe that in itself caused pain. We like to be important to others, to be on their radar, to know that if we are cared for that being included and being considered is part of it. But sometimes I fail to include and consider the people in my life I care about because what's going on isn't really about them at all, even if it might bless them to be included. And this situation that sent me into a pity spiral wasn't about me, had nothing really to do with me, and wasn't in the least bit about revenge for what I had done. I simply wasn't a factor at all because it's not about me. Once I realized this, I was able to let it go and actually help with a later complication that occurred.
Then a little later, someone asked me for forgiveness, and it actually made me, one who speaks and writes often on the need to forgive even when the other person hasn't asked, mad. I repeat the sayings, meaning them, believing them, like "refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die," and "forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior; it prevents their behavior from destroying your heart." Yes, I say these things, and mean them. And yet, the very act of asking for my forgiveness upset me more than what he was asking forgiveness for. It would have been easier if he'd never asked for forgiveness in the first place, so I could have just forgiven in spite of him. Why?
Well, I've learned to forgive without being asked. And it's even easier most times to forgive when someone is sorry and asks for forgiveness. But there are two kinds of apologies that really tick me off. I'd rather not get an apology than to get one of these. The first is the "I'm sorry; please forgive me" that is really an "I'm sorry that you have a problem with me or what I've done; will you just get over it already?" That one really chaps my hide. The other is the "I was wrong, I'm sorry, please forgive me" that is really a "I'm not really to blame or at fault, the devil made me do it or it's just the way I am/was raised/insert blame shifting excuse here. Both of these attitudes make me mad and make it hard for me to forgive.
I want to say, "No. I won't forgive you yet. Go think about why you need forgiveness and come ask again when you understand." But why? Because in this case the trite saying is true. I have done this, and I hate it when I realize it, and the times I hate it most are in my relationship with my Heavenly Daddy. There are times when something I do bothers someone else when maybe it shouldn't. Like the first account of my pity spiral I needed to pull out of, sometimes it's not about them or our relationship at all. But that can never be said about Daddy. Everything that involves me is relevant to Him and our relationship. There is never anything I do, think or feel that He just needs to accept and get over it already. That "You made me this way, so let it go already" mentality is highly inappropriate and out of line. That's like saying a carpenter building a house should leave a roof leaking because it's always leaked. It leaked from the start because construction wasn't complete. It's not supposed to leak at the end. The idea that a house half built is how it's always supposed to look and function is ridiculous. The same can be true of us. We're under construction,
And on more than one occasion I have asked God to forgive me when in reality what I want is for Him to excuse me. Forgiveness says "What you did was wrong, but I will choose not to hold it against you or make you pay for it." Excusing says, "I know you couldn't help yourself. You didn't mean to do that. You weren't really to blame. So not only will I not hold it against you or make you pay for it, I won't be upset if you do it again, and I won't ask you to change." No. No. No, that's not contrition. That's not sorrow over our actions. No, I will not excuse and leave the door open for the continuation of the behavior that bothered/hurt me in the first place. That's how I feel when someone comes to me with this attitude, and I wonder if God feels that same as I do about this foolishness? It's like asking for the slate to be cleaned off to make room so it can be dirtied again. Ridiculous, or to quote one of my favorite lines from The Princess Bride, Inconceivable.
How dare they? How dare I? Real forgiveness means looking at the situation without excuses and without allowances, being able to call wrong wrong and still releasing the debt of the offender. And real contrition is accepting responsibility without excuse, without shifting blame, without downplaying the damage and asking for pardon and mercy.
Let us quit doing this to God. If one of us is right about a situation and the other wrong, we are never the ones who are right. God's evaluation of acceptable and unacceptable behavior on our part is always accurate. Let us ask the Spirit to illuminate our hearts so that we can see the truth about our leaky roofs and the need for repair. Let us remember that we're the ones that need to get over ourselves and that why or how we set fire to the house doesn't matter. What matters is that the house caught fire, the fire needs to be put out and the damage needs to be repaired. No more downplaying, no more excuses.
And while not everything that upsets or hurts us is truly a mirror of what is wrong with us, there are times when it is indeed true. Let us be open to see revelation of areas we need further construction in our own life in the actions of others that disturb us. And while we never have to excuse or permit further damage, let us be quick to forgive, even as God the Father has quickly and graciously forgiven us.
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