When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven arguments.
The above is from the book Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions, in the chapter on Step 10. Learning to pause before acting or reacting and doing a spot check is critical to learning to be led by the Spirit rather than our emotions and old instincts. But I can't help but wonder what they would have suggested if that book were written today with our instant but distancing communication through text, email and social media. I know I am not the only one who has wished they could get a message back that was sent in anger or said in a manner that I would never have done had I been looking the person in the eye at the time and had to witness the wound I caused. Sure, you can delete a Facebook post or tweet, but you can't make sure no one has seen it before you do. So we set ourselves up for communication disasters and relationship sabotage. There are a few steps we can take to help give us restraint of keyboard and make our communication a blessing rather than a curse.
It's hard to remember sometimes as most of our communication becomes shorthand on a screen, that we can not hear tone, see the smile in the eye or on the mouth that would take the sting from the words, and such in a message. Also, the grapevine is obsolete. Gossip travels at the speed of light rather than sound. It is so easy to share, resend, and continue passing on false information or something that hurts the subject without pausing to think. We get mad and rant, possibly saying things that we don't really mean. It's bad enough when we do that where a few friends hear us, but with social media hundreds may see us lose our cool, act unloving in our pain, and some of them may be mutual friends with the rantee or they may see it first hand. Restraint is more important than ever if we are going to be servants of God's love and a light in the darkness rather than just another cruel hypocritical religious jerk.
So the first thing to stop and ask before hitting send is whether or not it's true. Even when unintentional, spreading falsehood hurts our credibility. It reminds people of the old days before the love of God and rigorous honesty became guiding principles instead of our selfishness.
But truth is only one aspect, and truth without compassion and love can kill. So love and compassion should be motives in our communications. Building up, restoring, helping others heal and see God's love for them in us. Love God and love others is what we are commanded to do, so the question becomes this is true, but is it loving? I'm not saying we hold back the truth to be nice and let someone get messed up. Sometimes the most loving thing we can say is hard to hear. But what is the motivation? The Golden Room is do to others what we would have done to us. If we are honest, how would we feel if the message was directed at us. even if it's true?
There are two more questions that help me. The first is this really necessary? Sometimes all we do with a reply is fan the flames. and cause more anger and fear, It's more about having the last word or insisting on being right or something similar than helping the receiver(s). Can this person even hear me at this point? Am I just more noise? Is this something that should really be shouted from the social media rooftops or is it perhaps something I should keep between me and God or maybe share with one person like a counselor, spiritual mentor or spouse? Why do I want everyone to know what I am feeling and how I have been hurt?
And finally am I being clear? Between shorthand and tone and not being able to see verbal clues, we can mean one thing in a text, message, post or tweet and have it interpreted many other ways. But that's not what I meant!, is something that doesn't always get heard later after we inadvertently pour gasoline on the sparks of a conversation. We can apologize for causing a wreck or we can take a second before we hit send to make sure that we are as clearly saying what we are trying to say as possible and avoid the wreck in the first place.
By taking the time to ask these four questions before texting, messaging, posting or tweeting, we can make sure we are acting rather than reacting, we can be a part of the solution rather than a part of the problem, and we can be more consistent in showing the love of Christ rather than self righteous religion, pride and our own old nature and foolishness. We will have fewer regrets, and there will be one question that we won't have to answer anymore. Why did I hit send on that?
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