I thought about that some this morning, feeling the story as an analogy in my own life and the lives of others I have known in recovery. Those of us who have been slaves to our addictions usually don't make it into recovery and freedom without nuking our and others' lives and doing some major damage to relationships. Relationships with spouses, parents, children and siblings suffer greatly from our selfishness and the destructive lies, betrayals and screw ups that go hand in hand with active addiction. Sometimes these relations are like major cities where one or more missiles score direct hits. The devastation is complete and there is no life left after the explosions have stopped. Only a miracle could bring life back to the dead and irradiated soil.
Sometimes though there is a little life left, badly wounded and mutated, but life. There is hope of healing and rebuilding. But there are obstacles, big ones. We tend to forget or fail to understand, and it often causes even more pain. I can't count the number of times I have heard things like, I have been clean or sober for [insert longest length of not messing up in years here] and they still won't support me, trust me, let it go, realize I've changed, etc.
It's easy to feel the weight and hopelessness that comes when we feel that we are still being judged by the mistakes of the past, when the miracle that set us free is being examined like it may be counterfeit, and that nothing is ever enough. And the interesting thing is that that last part is indeed how many of those who have been the receivers of an addict's nukes feel. They're not doing enough or it isn't enough is a common sentiment.
But in our selfishness and self-centeredness we feel that not enough critique is about us or our recovery. It's not. It's about them. If we surrender and let God do the work as we walk through the process of realizing we can't, He can and letting Him, freedom from our addiction can come relatively quickly. Years of slavery to something can be broken in months or less, and we begin to grow confident that we can live without falling back into our addiction. But what we sometimes forget is that the addiction wasn't the problem. It was a symptom, and the real issues of selfishness and living for ourselves instead of having relationship with Daddy take longer. In fact, while progress should hopefully be steady and evident, the process will last the rest of our lives. None of us, addicts or not, ever find perfection in our relationship with, walk with, or obedience to God on this side of eternity.
After some time free of our addiction we are grateful and ready to run. We want life to go on and be new, and we are ready to let the past go and press on to the prize of a life worth living. And then there is that burden of it's not enough. But what isn't enough in most of those cases is our acceptance without excuse or justification of the pain the other is feeling even as we are healing. We have left them blistered, burned and scarred in the wake of our bombs.
There may even be some bitterness and resentment that we who have caused and done so much damage are healing and being restored, while they, the innocent victims of our selfishness, are stuck in the pain and remain wounded. It may feel like we are trying to drag them too quickly through the process of recovering from the damage we have done. It may also feel like the steps we take to attempt to make amends for what we have done are less about helping them heal and more about us being OK and moving on. What isn't enough is our understanding of what they are feeling and going through. Of the time they need. And our concern for them and their healing that has nothing to do with us.
What I mean by that last sentence is if we seem to be trying to make amends so that we will be forgiven and things will be better for us, they don't see or feel compassion, concern and love for them or understanding of their side. They see more of the same. More of the same? Yes, in the grips of addiction everything was about us. And now everything is still about us. What's different? If our feeling is that we have come so far and done so much and can't he, she, they, everyone just see that we've changed and let it go already, then we are still chained to self. They can feel that. They feel we are just trying to push them into being OK so that the relationship can be like we want and rebuilt. They want to see that we are focusing on them and how much they are hurting. They want to and need to see the evidence that it is no longer about us and that they are coming first. That our concern is for their restoration and healing because they need it and not because if they get better our lives improve or we get what we want.
So what do we do? First, just as in breaking the chains of the addiction, we need to be rid of self. Pray for the understanding that they need time to heal and that years of destruction, especially with a few or more direct hits from megaton bombs that kill in an instant, are not going to be healed or recovered from in a matter of days or weeks. Also, instead of praying for renewed relationship, something that benefits us, let us simply pray for them, for their healing and their recovery and that God would restore them from the damage we have done, regardless of if that healing and restoration means we have renewed relationship or not. And finally, amends in these close foundational relationships is not a simple or one time thing. It's not about repaying a debt. It's about helping them heal.
One thing that can be done in addition to prayer is to give them the opportunity, more than one most likely, to see that you are truly concerned for what they are going through and where they are in healing the hurt you did to them. This can be done by approaching them on a good day, not when they are upset and frustrated with you or their life, but when things seem to be calm and OK, and say something along the lines of I just wanted to check on you and see if you are doing OK and see if there is anything you would like to share with me today about the pain I caused you and your fears about being hurt again?
That may sound scary, and it is, because you are likely to get blasted when they finally take you up on the chance to openly and honestly show you the wounds you caused. Even if they are gentle and kind about how and what they say, seeing the damage we did is heart wrenching and painful. This is not some easy thing or quick fix. This is part of a slow process of pulling the poison and infection from them so that they can heal from the fallout.
This is for them and about them, even though your past and what you did and what you might do are the framework it is built on. Don't defend yourself. Don't excuse. Don't justify. Don't beg for or try to make them express their understanding of your progress or give you forgiveness. Don't promise to make it better or to make it right. You can't. Only God can do that. Don't interrupt. Just let them talk until they are done. Then thank them for sharing it with you, tell them that you are sorry for the pain you caused and that is still there, and then leave or let them leave without promises they've heard too many times. Go to Daddy with the hurt you will feel after it's done, pray for healing in yourself and for them, and then go on. Continue to walk with God, surrendered to Him. They will, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, see the truth in the unspoken promise of change by seeing us walk out love and service. Their healing must begin and progress before any true restoration of relationship can occur, and seeing that our concern is truly for them and not simply a manipulative back door to what we want will go a long way to eradicating the radiation left from the nukes we launched.
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