Part of my issue at the moment is that I am in so much pain that I can't think straight, or stand up straight for that matter. Pain makes it hard to think about much else. Pain is very all about me. That's why when we are hurting it's harder to get out and stay out of self. That pain in my back is only the surface issue though.
I am having to fight a bully in my brain. I have declined the invitation to the pity party part of me would like to throw, but I am still struggling with the temptation to be unkind to myself. Do you ever have those times. days. years? Are you ever unkind to yourself and an inner brain bully? It's not a good practice, but it's easy to slip into.
The reason I am in so much pain that I can barely walk is I hurt myself yesterday working. I went next door and volunteered my services to help a man who is doing some work for my father. I refused to let him pay me, because I was doing this to help my dad, but we agreed that if I could do/handle the work physically, we got along and he liked the way I worked that it would be sort of a try out for paid work on other jobs, which I could greatly use. Well, I made it about five and a half hours, but by the end I could barely walk. This morning is worse. I guess I stiffened up over night. On one hand, oh well. I did my best. I helped make some progress on what my parents need done. I had some time to share my faith and my reason for believing with someone.
On the other hand, it's hard to not to beat myself up. I can hear the backhoe in the background, which means the man I was helping is down there trying to finish the job by himself because his helper from yesterday couldn't keep going. Because of my past, about the only paid work I can get is manual labor, but, also because of my past, the many incidents of damage done over the years, my 46-year-old body just can't do the work. Of course, when I say or write that, I immediately think of my father who worked for years when he had to raise his hammer with both hands and drop his arm to hit the nail because of his injuries and working day after day barely able to stand, because he did whatever he had to do, and as long as he was above ground a little thing like hurting and not being able to walk wasn't going to keep him from working. Then I start feeling like a failure and slip into bully mode.
The brain bully picks on, belittles, teases, condemns and judges. Surely there is no one who can't understand what I writing about. You're not good enough. You have messed up in the worse kind of ways or too many times. You have failed to follow through. You've always messed up, and so you're doomed to mess up again. You're stupid. You're a loser. You're ugly (inside and or out). If anyone really, really knew the way you're thinking and or feeling no one would accept/like/love/understand you. Why do you think God loves and cares about you? You're not worthy. All said in your own mean voice, all directed within. I could go on, and if I did not hit your favorite taunts of self torture, Dear Reader, I am sure I came close enough to bring their echoes to mind.
So what do we do when the volume on the feelings of failure, the guilt and the shame of the past gets turned up to 11? What do we do when our magic magnifying mind plays the can you spot the difference game and we begin comparing ourselves to others, and in the face of those glaring differences we wish that we could be something or someone that we are not? What do we do in the face of our self prosecution declaring to the jury of our own thoughts that we are not good enough and don't/never will measure up to whatever standard we're using for a mirror mask?
One thing that helps me is to remember that the self prosecutor is usurping the authority of the Holy Spirit. It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict us when we are out of line and outside of Daddy's will, not anyone else's, not even our own. Now, when I say convict, I mean to declare guilty, not sentence. We sometimes tie the two together, but sentencing is separate, and Jesus already served your sentence and mine. The conviction of the Holy Spirit is not about punishment or anything like that.
It's more of a performance review done right. It's a here you could be doing better, come here and I will help you get it right. It's not ever you are doing it wrong, you never do it right, you're fired. When the Spirit points out our shortcomings and sin it is always in love and always to draw us closer to Daddy and always to offer power and understanding to do it better and forgiveness for our failure. That's why it's the Spirit we should desire to be the one who convicts. Because He does it right, for the right reason and in a loving way.
When we usurp His position the conviction is always tied to punishment and rejection. We are not loving ourselves, and we are not doing anything to make us lean more on His grace. No it's always, try harder, do more, get it right. It's about putting the burden on us, which is self centered. The burden should be on Christ who did what we can not, and on the Spirit who enables what Christ did to be used by us, and on Daddy who applies the price Christ paid to our debts. It's not our burden. The sin that I was lovingly convicted of this morning was not any of the things that I did in the past that damaged my body, those either were not sin or have long since been forgiven. The Spirit did not convict me of not being my dad or not being able to physically work beyond my body's ability. No, the Spirit convicted me or impersonating, badly, God. It's not my place to convict. It's God's. Because only He can do it in a way that brings healing and restoration. And I felt convicted for being unloving and unkind and treating as worthless one whom God declares significant to Him, who He loves and cares about, namely me.
So, the question still remains. how do I battle this? What do I do to stop self condemnation and brain bullying? Well, as weird as it may sound, the answer is nothing. That voice that says we're not good enough is right, so no matter how hard we fight against it with platitudes and inspiring mantras that basically boil down to I'm OK, part of us will always know that we're lying and the failure will only make the snowball bigger.
The truth is that I can't do it, and I'm not good enough, and realizing that is actually the best and wisest thing, because then and only then am I able to stop trying to do what is impossible to me and turn the whole thing over to God, who is actually able to do it. I can't. He can. I'll let Him. It works as the first three steps to freedom over a lot more than addiction, or maybe another way of looking at it is understanding that brain bullying and self-condemnation is as deadly and dangerous an addiction as alcohol or cocaine and we must practice abstinence else we die.
It may seem strange to agree with the mean voices in our mind in order to defeat them, but it actually works. It's the first step, but we can't stop there or there's no hope, we fall into the very thing we need to escape, self. I can't. It's critical, and it's true. But God. It doesn't end with I can't. Jesus can and did and will.
I was dead with no ability or hope to resurrect myself, but God raised me up with Jesus. The life of Jesus gives me life that has nothing to do with me but everything to do with Him. It is because of His great mercy and love for me, and for you, and not about us. The Holy Spirit is called the Helper because I am called to obey the law which boils down to perfectly and completely love God and love others, and I can't do it. I have failed, I am failing even now, and I will fail in the future because I am not capable of keeping the law. But the Helper who dwells in me is able to make me able to love and obey. Through His power I can walk in Daddy's will right now, regardless of any and all past failures. I will not look at my inability as a reason to reject myself or fear Daddy's rejection or quit trying, but I will ask for the Spirit's help to do what I can not do on my own. I am not good enough, but the goodness, perfect rightness of Jesus has been given to me in an unfair exchange of my unworthiness for His worth. So because of Jesus I will never face condemnation from Daddy, and if Daddy doesn't condemn me, neither should I. I can't do any better or live as I should through increased self effort but by less self effort. More of Jesus, less of me. Not more me. More love, more power, more of the Spirit within me and through me, and that comes from complete surrender, not more effort.
Finally, there are some things I will never be good at, one would be being someone else. I am not called to be my Dad, or my Mom, or Paul, Peter or anyone else. I have been fearfully and wonderfully created to be Dalyn, a unique and special reflection of Jesus with a unique niche to fill. That's true of you as well, as soon as you put your name where mine is.
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
- Ephesians 2:10
There is sweet serenity and rest in relying on what Jesus did for us, what the Spirit can and will do in and through us, and Daddy's great love for us rather than on critiquing and trying defend or bolster our own abilities. Joy comes in knowing that Jesus is enough, not in trying to figure out how we can be enough. Grace is the answer when the brain bully begins his taunts. It's not but it wasn't my fault. It's not but I tried my best. It's not but I promise to try harder and do better. It's but God. It always boils down to but God, and the bully's voice can not defeat that truth and must be silent.
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