Unshackled Moments ~ October 31, 2018 ~ Not Ashamed Of My Crutch

This past weekend was pretty rough for me. No. It was very rough. I had the worst 48 hour period of PTSD symptoms that I have had in years. It was like a rolling surf, with wave after wave of triggers and the resulting issues. About the time I could catch my breath, sometimes before that, the next wave would hit, and it truly felt a bit like drowning.

God's grace was indeed sufficient though, and while I did not receive instant relief nor stay in a state of calm and perfect peace, I can look back on it and see much improvement over several years ago. I was sick, but never got to the point that I would have in the past. It didn't even occur to me to calm myself down or escape through alcohol or drugs, and I am very grateful for that. I didn't get in a fight with the guy that at the time I felt really needed a good beating and now that sanity has returned know didn't and it was just that fight or flight response in overdrive.

I even managed to tap into the grace to stop crying long enough to preach Sunday morning. While it wasn't pretty, and I wasn't well, I didn't go as far off the deep end as I have in the past. I am so grateful for that, and I know that it is because of Daddy. There is a reason why the Spirit is also known as the Comforter. It could have been a lot worse, and I knew that God was with me and wouldn't leave me to handle this on my own.

And that is a good thing, because there is no way I could have handled it on my own. One of the questions when dealing with mental illness is what is the goal of treatment? Are we seeking independence or healthy dependence. From the world's standpoint I need to be independent, and for the most part I am. But the truth is that I don't want to be tempted to try for independence. I want to remember always that my health, spiritual and otherwise, is contingent upon my dependence on Daddy.

Call my relationship with Jesus a crutch if you will. When people say things like that I used to joke that Jesus isn't a crutch; He's a stretcher, because you can't even limp your way into eternal life without Jesus. But the truth is that we have the wrong idea. A crutch is not a bad thing if you need one. A lame person with a crutch can do so much more than a lame person without one. The problem is that we don't like to see that we are crippled. We try to convince ourselves that we are healthy and able. But we are not. We are born with a spiritual disease that leads to death and destroys our life along the way. We all try to compensate and meet the need that comes from lack of relationship with our Creator. Some use work, good deeds and volunteering, some seek power and approval from others, some escape through chemicals or relationships or sex or or or or or or. The ways we try to solve the unmanageability of life, to quiet our fears and satisfy our longings for love, joy, peace and security are myriad. And some of the things we try work, for a while or to an extent. But they never work well for long. Only a relationship with Daddy can give us life that is worth living and give us the power to be the people we are created to be. He isn't a crutch as much as the provision for new legs, as the Spirit of God enables us to walk free from bondage. We can walk in life. Jesus really is the answer. So yes, I leaned heavily upon Him as the bottom fell out, because i am honest enough with myself to know that I am not able in my own strength to handle life. And I learned a long time ago that if we turn to Jesus first, He will never be a last resort and there is a lot less damage to clean up after the storm. I am grateful that He is an ever present help in time of need.  I am not ashamed to say that I need Jesus, because the only thing worse than being in need of a crutch is not knowing you need one. We can stop crawling through life and walk with Jesus.


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